My mental health is deterioratin

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I am back to thinking, why couldn’t she have hit me just one inch more to the left, and I wouldn’t be here.
I wouldn’t have hurt so many people, when all ive ever done is want to help.

Even my new cat ive let down. She’s spent the last week getting worse, and because I’m so pathetic and didn’t have £12 I have had to wait until tomorrow to take her to the vet. Once again I have to prepare my self for the third cat I loved like it was my kid, as I am never going to have that pleasure (something I never thought I even wanted until I was step dad to four of the most amazing kids ive ever met), might be put to sleep whilst sitting on my lap. Once again, I may see something I never thought I would, a pair of eyes going from have life to being lifeless. Thats the problem with an edict memory, or mine at least as it seems to lock on most to the sad things, I can replay my bestest friends ive ever had, my 17y old Marmite, whom for the first time in her life was happy to lay on my lap (cos of all the drugs pumped into her), go from being the only thing to have stuck with me through what is now 11 years of horror, sorry, I still cannot process watching the life go out of her eyes.

Why oh why did the largest car that anyone can buy, have to hit me, just not enough.
I can still replay opening my eyes after the accident, looking up at the massive white car, see it rocking and thinking, damn edgley, what a cliche, to survive the collision, only to be crushed to death as it topples on to me.
When in fact, it was her trying to reverse it out and drive away.

Im sorry carrie that I had to pollute you as well.
I thought I had been spared as I had something that needed to be done and only I could.
I guess, actually, I did. Except it wasn’t to do good. It wasn’t to help change the world for the bette.
I was spared so I could spend my days hurting everyone close to me.
Now I’m back to thinking I did die, and this is Purgery that I face ever day.

Which means my Suicide Reflex has kicked in. Not that I am going to do it.
As I must have been such a bad Simon I’m not allowed to take the easy way out.
No, I must spend even more time hurting people and feeling so bad about myself.
To think, it was just a week ago, I was so happy.
I thought everything was coming together.
I finally thought, this is it, I am actually going to get my life back, free to be the person I had to hide for 40 years.

Sorry, I must stop. I need to find a way to stop this way of thinking.
As  I have to believe I am good.
After all, Julie asked me to go with her and help her. She asked me to speak to her behalf.
Is that not proof I can do good?
Maybe. But can it balance out being such a let down, such a disappointment that my own mother didn’t even say goodbye, while knowing that she would never see me again.

Natalie Pyne who mowed down cyclist Simon Edgely is …Daily Mailhttps://www.dailymail.co.uk › news › article-3307208

I never wanted her to go to goal, as I knew it would ruin the lives of her six kids.
I even tried to speak to the judge but was told that I wasn’t.
As well as being told it was one of the largest books, at 100 pages, put together for a jury.
I will never forget having her mum and best friend sitting behind me, talking about me, that it was my fault.

And I will never forget what she shouted out, after the judge read out the sentence.
“My children. Remember what we spoke about. Just take care of my kids”