| Sorry cannot find a more direct email and as I said I would send today I thought this was better than nowt.
Maddie,
Thank you for help today.
I gave Colin all your details, telling him he could just leave a message and it would be sent to you.
However, all he could go on a kit was how you didn’t call him back after leaving a message for you.
Thing is, I was clear to him that if someone such as yourself didn’t return a call in what he considers a reasonable time, ie about 10 seconds after a message is left, it is mostly likely due to you having to deal with a crises.
However, all he could go on about was the lack of return call – even after expressing that he wouldn’t know what to say.
Which is an insult to myself – as I have gone to great lengths explaining that I do not lie.
Which lead me to my first deduction – it was his ego.
However, as Carole then appeared, after talking earlier about it being pancake day tomorrow – I am wondering if he has made it all up about it being her whom wants me gone.
To be clear: the day after I appeared here he gave me the whole I’m a trigger for her to return to the bottle.
Now, I wonder if he is just lying and it is him whom wants me gone.
Given some of the horrific things he has said it could well be.
What I am concerned is they are going out in the morning , maybe back by 12 and he has given me no problem to solve whilst away thus insuring a call at least by the afternoon.
Yet he still expects me gone.
So I have no idea.
All I can do is give you Carole’s phone number and ask if you could try getting hold of him on that. He does have some eye appointment while out.
+44 7942 686429
I am extremely upset about this. You are trying to work wonders, he wants me gone, gives no reason why he wouldn’t call first thing.
I also need to be clear – the things he says and the direct and indirect threats he makes to me not only concerns me, it’s causing my ptsd no chance to recover.
He asked little about the room which now I understand is totally unacceptable.
My plan was not to tell him what your doing to house me – after all, all he wants is me gone.
As for housing options, as a hotel is an option I have to “insist”.
My ptsd makes bathing impossible when active as I cannot expose myself – and that was when I was in my own flat.
There is no way I will be able to clean myself in a shared bathroom.
Plus my OCD which comes out under stress will not allow even the thought of using a shower / bath that someone else has used.
To be honest, even a shared kitchen is actually me just trying to please you.
Given the horrors at the last b&b of being told, for example, how I should cook my bacon by a girl half my age was “wrong” to the point that I stopped cooking. Add to that once again someone made very serious threats to hurt me and that it was an Airbnb – well you get it.
Given that food is the biggest of my autistic issues I will end up going days (4 is max so far) not eating.
Yet I must return to safeguarding. I have spent my childhood and work years staying in a large number of hotels – never once being at risk.
You saw yourself that you had to explain stranger danger to me – it’s all just too much.
The chances are, based on previous experiences when I move from here I am going to shutdown for one to three months.
A hotel not only provides me with a feeling of safety, it – sorry. Cannt keep finding words.
Ishkild have been asleep 4 hours ago as inuabe yet another day of having to do stuff like pack which, medically speaking I cannt.
I’m only able to do this by misusing my adhd meds.
So I don’t know what.
All iwant to do is curl up and cry. Except emotions are banned in his house. Other than his negative ones.
I guess I’m saying help – oberload.
I had a whole list of questions that wanted to include in this email but right
Now it’s taking all i have, plus the use of alchol to keep it together. I dispise myself for being like this.
Possible even hate myself.
Whaqt I do know is I have him my word I would be gone on Wednesday.
I’ve come to learn that most people give their word only to break it immediately.
Not me. At 50y of age, having lost everything, and also due to a promise I made to myself at 29 not to lie and always be honest – there is a chance tbis could trigger the “walking out of the door, down the road, no destination in mind”
Cannt
Even check tbis mail. As it’s our first wirttej communication I need to reread and edit up to 10 times before sending.
Not tonight.
I know that injust sleep as what I went tbough today, including the 4m walk back tbough pitch dark fields is gonna bite me in the posteria.
Add to that the basic autistic anexity creator – fear of the unknown and the chkaves are I’m
Not going to sleep.
Which will
Mean a second day of taking twice my daily
Amount of adhd med like I had to do today to get through it.
Which means a huge crash is coming.
Plus Colin not giving a logical reason for
Not calling means I have just
Now identified my main concern tomorrow is meltdown prevention – if I fail there will be some form
Of self harm Not a threat. Just experience.
Even now I cannot stop trying to find the words to convince you of I now not what – other than it Has to be a hotel.
As what to do about Colin who knows.
What i do
Know is this is exactly the sort of trigger for a meltdown.
Help
Please. |
